So i was
sitting in the car during my last full day in Texas, I was just about to head
over to the shops to buy something weird like orange juice or a baby rhino.
Over the previous four weeks i’d boycotted the local radio stations because it
appeared that there were only 4 songs in America (3 of them by Kanye West) and
that made my ears cry....however i thought i’d give them one last chance to
redeem themselves....tentative i reached over to push the button marked ‘Radio
On’ ...i hesitated, nervous and slightly hungover......deep breath.....my heart
sinks, it’s Katty Perry's - I kissed a girl!
So its
official, the free American radio stations are terrible, truly awful!
Anyway, day
one back on South Uist, mam asks me to jump up to Daliburgh (South Uist’s
version of Down Town....well it has a shop and a church) to pick up something
less weird, like baking powder or a carrot. With the horrors of Houston’s radio stations still haunting my
dreams i was fearful but sober…..i reached over to turn on the radio in the
car..... Frightened Rabbit's - I Feel Better followed by Biffy
Clyro's - Mountains.....it’s great to be home!
In Scotland we have the most incredibly
fertile music scene and one we should all embrace and promote. We have some of
the most fantastic and creative people in the world playing in the pub at the
bottom of the road every other night. Bands like Endor, Skerryvore, Zoey Van Goey,
anything on Benbecula
or Say Dirty Records, The
Twilight Sad and My Latest Novel are all making the sort of
music which highlights the depth of talent we have in this artistic and
imaginative nation of ours. By simply spreading the word we can all help to
ensure their continued success and development.
Texas
Radio apart, i had the most incredible 8 weeks living and working in the
states. The final weeks were spent working in the Business Development
department where i discovered that business acquisitions are more akin to a
game of chess than Football Manager 2008. Again i worked with
some incredible people who are staggeringly committed to, and have a real pride
to be working as part of, The Wood Group.
The
final week also saw the boys and I take part in the annual Wood Group Company
Chilli Cook-Off.
Well.....see,
the thing is that over the weeks leading up to the cook-off i’d taken it upon myself
to wind up as many of the Wood Groups 32 Gizzilion employees as possible by way
of inflammatory ‘Smack-Talk’ emails…..more to really get the competitive spirit
flowing than anything else!
For some
reason or other, a couple of weeks before the event i decided to send an email
to all the teams competing which went something like this:
***Breaking
News:
This
year’s company Chilli Cook-Off has been cancelled due to the fact that there’s
no point in any other team taking part; owing to the fact that the Scottish
Summer Interns have first place sown up. The interns will make an announcement
in due course as to whether they will defend their trophy in 2009.
End
Transmission***
Cue an
avalanche of emails from some pretty irate Texans. What i didn’t know prior to
sending out that first email was that Texans take cooking Chilli really
seriously. Questioning their ability to cook said delicacy is akin to
questioning their mother’s virtue, their truck’s engine size or they’re ability
to eat cheese.
The
highlights of the reply emails included the guys who sent me an email telling
me i was “GOING DOWN” and questioning whether or not i could “stand
the HEAT” to which i explained that i was a Boston Celtic supporter and the
only heat i could stand came from Miami.
As well
as the fellow who sent me a message informing me that “Haggis isn’t Chilli”.
To which i made the mistake of replying that in America ‘water bombing’ wasn’t torture and
so this was just one of many and varied cultural differences....whoops! :)
Anyway
the day of reckoning arrived and the boys and i arrived at the picnic intend on
bring the trophy home
We were
greeted by an incredible sight. People had been there since six in the morning
setting up the most elaborate outdoor kitchen stations and tasting stalls i’ve
ever seen. The stall next to ours had a stage and sound system that the
Barrowland’s would be proud of; it was set up so as one of their team members
and his guitar could keep us entertained with traditional Texan favourites
(unfortunately when i asked him, he didn’t know how to play ‘Far away’ –
subtle; or play ‘over there beside those guys’ – less subtle)
Unfortunately
our stall didn’t match those of the other’s around us in terms of glitz and
glamour. Ours consisted of a table wrapped in ‘Barbie’ birthday present
wrapping paper and lots of beer. ....but we were content to let our Chilli
provide the fireworks for our station.
Michelangelo
painted the Sistine Chapel only once and so we decided not to make a practice
batch, so as to retain some sort of sense of creative integrity. Just like
Michelangelo we were creating art. Our canvas, our pots and pans; our paint
brushes, our knives and spoons; and our paint, meat! Having slaved away in
ridicules heat (39oc blistering sunshine, a hot stove and a kilt are
an awful combination!) for about 5 hours our pot of chilli/masterpiece was
finally complete and ready for submission. At this point it became clear that
all the other entrants, who had spent most of the day mocking our
pitiful/charming stall had developed ‘the fear’....they didn’t say anything or
show it in any way but i could smell it! Victory was at hand, like a proud
general surveying the battle field after an epic encounter i strutted around
the opponents stall offering my condolences and informing them that this clash
had been worthy of folklore. Furthermore this experience would stand each of
them in good stead for next year and there was no embarrassment in being beaten
by the best. For my name was Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies
of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor,
Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife.....at
that point got a little carried away.
Now it
should also be pointed out that British-American relations have faltered of
late. Tony Blair, who is staggeringly popular in America, has been replaced by the more
reluctant and unidentifiable Gordon Brown. George W is still seen as a mong on
both sides of the Atlantic and the ‘special relationship’
once talked of seems more of a general acquaintance these days.
So
obviously to prevent any further souring of British-American relations, the
Chilli Cook-Off judge deemed it essential that 5 boys from Scotland didn’t win
(or place in the top 3) in this proudest of American traditions. However we
must serve the greater good and do what had to be done to avoid a diplomatic
incident, my MBE’s in the post.
The
company picnic was a wonderful way to spend our final weekend, spending time
with all the fantastic people we’d met over the preceding 8 weeks and enjoying
a beer or two (or three, or four…etc). Again I’d just like to take this
opportunity to thank the Wood Group, Saltire Foundation and the people of Texas
for what was an incredible two months, I learnt a great deal and hopefully
these newly acquired skills will stand me in great stead for the future
endeavours.
So
that’s the end of my ramblings, thanks to all those who took the time to read
the nonsense I wrote, and thank you to all who left the very kind comments on
the blog, bebo, facebook etc
I’ll
leave you with the immortal words of Mork – ‘Live long and prosper, Nanu
Nanu’
Dave
